Patience is a hard lesson to learn. I am so sick right now of the way I am feeling. I can go from having a little bit of energy and motivate myself to do “... (something)” then less then 5 min too I no energy and all I want is to sleep. It doesn’t help when belly feels funky. It is hard to describe, you know the feeling when your foot or hand falls asleep and it tingles pins and needles, That is what my skin feels like. Then inside my intestines feel like they are Jello with no muscles holding them in place, so they bounce and wiggle and jiggle. Then add two drains going into the belly and everytime something moves inside the drains are pulled a different way. And just for the fun of it add some diarrhea to the mix and I think we are getting close to what my middle feels like most of the time, It is super frustrating and a real pain. So not moving or doing anything that would cause my belly to move or bounce is where I am most comfortable right now. My mind has all of these ideas of things I want to do, (which usually involves moving) so my body revolts in the process. I want this second transplant to happen soon just so I can get a life back. But there is no garentee that it will work any better the second time. I really want to just rip out my food processor, but that would probably cause other issues.
This whole process has been big test of patience and faith. There is nothing I can do to “speed” things up. It is totally out of my hands and completely in God’s. I am getting to learn more patience one day at a time. If God decides to miraculously heal me and I don’t have to go through a second transplant and we stump all the doctors, I can only say “Praise God”. Or the second liver comes available and I go back in under the knife. As much as I would like to complain and ask why did it take so long? The answer is always the same. It happened at the perfect time, and place, so God can get the most Glory, and I could get the most out of the lesson that God is trying to teach me.
I guess that means I need to change my attitude. I need to learn how to be content in my weakness and sickness. I have been wanting to be someplace else in life for the last several months. Like wanting to be 100% healthy and be able to enjoy summer, hang out with friends, work crazy hours at the TV station. I have been wanting some other life. Even dreaming about what I used to have, wanting to have a girlfriend/marriage partner, instead of enjoying and appreciating were I am at right now in my singleness. It is hard to not get discouraged and loose hope, and remember this too will soon pass.
From my very small view of the world it seems so overwhelming. But that is where more faith comes in and we just hang on and enjoy the ride.
This whole process has been big test of patience and faith. There is nothing I can do to “speed” things up. It is totally out of my hands and completely in God’s. I am getting to learn more patience one day at a time. If God decides to miraculously heal me and I don’t have to go through a second transplant and we stump all the doctors, I can only say “Praise God”. Or the second liver comes available and I go back in under the knife. As much as I would like to complain and ask why did it take so long? The answer is always the same. It happened at the perfect time, and place, so God can get the most Glory, and I could get the most out of the lesson that God is trying to teach me.
I guess that means I need to change my attitude. I need to learn how to be content in my weakness and sickness. I have been wanting to be someplace else in life for the last several months. Like wanting to be 100% healthy and be able to enjoy summer, hang out with friends, work crazy hours at the TV station. I have been wanting some other life. Even dreaming about what I used to have, wanting to have a girlfriend/marriage partner, instead of enjoying and appreciating were I am at right now in my singleness. It is hard to not get discouraged and loose hope, and remember this too will soon pass.
From my very small view of the world it seems so overwhelming. But that is where more faith comes in and we just hang on and enjoy the ride.
3 comments:
Micah, You are a great inspiration to me and you have been through much pain and struggled to get well for so long. Don't get down on your self to much for how you feel right now. You are human and humans react to being in pain for so long. God understands and there for his presance is even stronger now than ever before. He will cary you through the end of this turmoil. However just remember at times you will be down, because you are human. God does not expect any more than you can give. Do the best you can that is all you can do right now give the stress and overwhelmming ness to God let him carry you. Remember there will be bad days. Remember you are loved soooooo much by many including me. I will always love you even if you do have a bad day. Hang in there if you need any support, help, or anything please don't hesitate to ask okay. Love ya Eleisha
Micah,
We haven't stopped praying for God's best for you. In a dark and confused city, you have a relationship, not a religion, and it shines brightly in stark contrast to the environment in which you live. Our Lord is good, and He is faithful to do that work in you that pleases Him.
- In Him, Jim & Judy
Micah, I am so sorry you don't have any energy. It isn't you. I know you wish you could be in the mountains and everywhere but your apartment. If I can do anything for you or your mom, please let me know. God is fighting for you and He has plans for you. Kimberly
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